The Master's Opinion on Pairings
by kowaidesuka
Summary: Based on the Percy Jackson version. Everyone has an opinion on the pairings of the Buffyverse, but the Master's opinion matters the most. Why? Coz he's the Master, of course! No disrespect to any shippers of any of the pairings.
1. Bangel

A/N: This fanfic is loosely based on "Krono's Opinion on Shippings" in the PJO section, but instead of PJO, it's the Buffyverse. :D

Disclaimer: I am not Joss Whedon. I do not own any of the Buffy characters.

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**Bangel:**

"So this is apparently the 'Golden Couple', the IT couple, blah blah blah. Bangel is just a bunch of crap! "When I kiss you, I want to die!" How is that epic, let alone OTP material?

"Lemme break it down to you. Buffy Summers is just a dumb blonde party pooper with a bunch of extra-large toothpicks. So what, vampires suck a little blood, demons want to end the world? It doesn't really concern you. SO MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS!

"Angel is just like Buffy, except a guy, a vampire, dark-haired, and uses up much more hair gel. He's all like, "Demons are bad, blah blah blah." Well, news flash, genius. YOU ARE ONE. And he follows Buffy around like a little lost puppy. And then he's like, "Puppies are bad, kittens are better, blah, blah, blah." Well, okay, he didn't say that, but he must have at least thought it. What have the poor puppies ever done to you?" *cries*

"Personally, I think he was better without the soul. But I don't like Bangelus either.

"So if you like cradle snatchers (Coz Angel is like, 200, and Buffy is only 16) and defeaters of mega-awesome vampire clan masters (Thaaaaaaaaaaat's me!) hooking up, then I guess Bangel is for you."


	2. Spuffy

Disclaimer: I do not own BtVS or any of its characters.

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**Spuffy:**

"Spuffy is just as dumb as Bangel. It turned a badass vampire into a sissy one, and it turned an already mean slayer into a heinous beeyotch. And it doesn't make sense. Spike hates her, and then he loves her, and then he hates her again. Same with Buffy. It's like they both suddenly have MPD!

"Spike is another unfortunate relative of mine; thick in the head, went to get a soul all by himself... and then there's the makeup, bleached hair, and black clothes. He puts eyeliner on. AND nail polish. *cough cough gay cough* Or an emo goth punk person. Is he trying to look like he slits his wrists and listens to My Chemical Romance all day?

"Like I said before, Buffy is a party pooper, and Spike recognized that at first and had the good sense to hate her until he had that dream one time (Can vampires even dream? Oh, wait, I am one) and starts to go, "Oh, I love Buffy, I'm going to go ahead and save lives instead of taking them." What kind of a vampire is that? And why am I talking to you again?"


	3. Woz

**Woz**

"Okay, first of all, what kind of name is Woz? It sounds like, a feminine hygiene product or something!

"Second, Willow is a little nerd with no fashion sense at all. The last time I fought with her (did I ever fight with her?) she was wearing this hideous dress; and when I asked her what the hell she was wearing, she was like, "Oh-oh, u-u-um sorry!" Well, guess what, little rhymes-with-witch? YOU SHOULD BE SORRY! So I don't see what a werewolf could possibly want with her.

"On the other hand, I don't see what a little nerd would want with a werewolf. Don't werewolves kill people? And they kinda smell too. And wouldn't falling in love with a werewolf be zoophilia? (Ooooooh, big word). Like in that trashy novel about sparkly vampires. God, that was a nightmare.

"So to summarise (Ooooooh, another big word), Willow is not good enough for Oz, and Oz is not good enough for Willow, and all Woz fans name their shipping something tampon company-worthy. Wait, does that make sense? Why am I talking to you again?"


	4. Cander

**Cander**

"GOD! Xander had bad taste at first, what with the Incan mummy and the grasshopper mantis person, but now he has to date Cordelia Chase. Which is funny to say, hehehehe. Cordelia Chase. Cordelia Chase. Cordelia Chase chases chocolate cars across crappy California. Teehee!"

*ahem* "Anyways, Cordelia is baaaaaaaaad. Why? Because she's evil (like, Buffy's enemy evil), but yet she's a white-hat! WTF? It just confuses me. And master vampires should never be confused.

"And Xander wears Hawaiian shirts! You know, there are only two people who wear Hawaiian shirts: fat tourists and gay guys. Hmmm, maybe that's why there's so many Spander fics... Cordy was right to dump him! (You go, girl!)

"But the biggest reason they're a fail pairing: they look too alike. Seriously! Xander has brown hair and big eyes, and Cordelia's the same! It's like twin siblings, dating. Which creeps me out."


	5. Willara

**Willara**

"Okay, I have to admit, Willara does kinda touch my unbeating heart-" *pauses to wipe tear from eye* "-but it still sucks, like every other pairing!

"So Willow was a little nerd with the ugly dresses... and then she turns hot! Like, the girl we made fun of for three seasons suddenly cut her hair and BAM! She's an effing knockout. I don't really like that.

"Also, she suddenly turns gay, but I think we were given a hint of that... maybe when she was cheating on Oz with Xander, coz let's face it, Xander has such a girlish figure! (And is Cordy's twin).

"Now, Tara was the only good person I liked... well, least hated. Maybe coz I never fought with her. Maybe coz she doesn't use the powerful magicks much, says it's supposed to be used sparingly, blah blah blah... but she's just likeable.

"But frankly, she's butt-ugly. Even uglier than me (Hey, maybe that's why I like her!).

"And then she dies." *sob* "Like the puppies." *more sobbing*

"So yeah, I'm a total Willara shipper! OTP! Nah, just kidding. They fail too."


	6. Xanya

**Xanya**

"I thought that Cordelia was bad, but then Xander had to go and date my EX-GIRLFRIEND.

"Yes, that's right! Anyanka is my ex-girlfriend! Short, blonde, kinda annoying but very smart, very creative too...

"Oh, wait, I didn't date Anya, I dated Darla. Woops, my bad.

"So Anya is even worse than girlish figure tourist Xander! First, she lost her necklace because of her fail wish-granting, then she goes ahead and complains about it! Then she had a mid-life crisis and started to dye her hair blonde and brown and blonde again, and then she decided to marry Xander! Who is even worse than Anya, who is even worser.

"Also, she's scared of bunnies. She even sang a song about them. Um, rip-off of Percy Jackson's Grover much? (Even though PJO was written after Buffy. Shut up, me.)

"Then she started complaining about the wedding. And then Xander dumped her because of a fake future. Yep, that's right. A FAKE FUTURE. E.i., not real. Some crap about not wanting to be his father or something.

"So then I felt sorry for Anya, and wanted to castrate Xander. But then, I always wanted to do that. Hehehehe..."

*hums "Bunnies aren't just cute like everybody supposes!"* "What? It's a catchy song..."


	7. Sprusilla

**Sprusilla**

"Honestly, I don't even know how this pairing got popular. Drusilla is another fail relative of mine, in fact, probably the most hated of mine. Except for Angel and Spike. In fact, I only really like Darla. Oh, and the minions. They do stuff for me!" *cackles evilly, then coughs*

"So Drusilla is also quite creative at torture and stuff like that, but she plays with dolls. SERIOUSLY. SHE PLAYS WITH DOLLS. What kind of an evil person is that? And apparently, the stars speak to her. So she's crazy enough to think she's some sort of agent for celebrities.

"I already said enough about emo Spike, whom I am strangely concerned about... ish. But I'll tell you this for free: He's dating a COUGAR. Seriously. Wouldn't you want to date someone your own age? (Except nobody does it in this damn show... SHUT UP!)

"On an unrelated note, I just read Harry Potter (Harry annoys me as well, stupid party pooper). So now I'll be changing my 'seriouslys' to 'siriuslys'.

"Siriusly."


	8. Willander

**Willander**

"Okay, I don't even know what to think about this couple. Thank god it's not popular.

"So Willow the little nerd, and Xander the tourist, got together in season 3. For what reason exactly? Oh yeah, coz their current boyfriend/girlfriend wouldn't put out. Siriusly.

"I mean, they already went out! There are three basic rules to dating. I forgot the other two, but one of them is NEVER DATE YOUR EX! That's why Dangel failed. And to those of you poser fans who say that Willander has never happened before in BtVS, lemme tell you this: They dated when they were in kindergarten; i.e. they were five. Then Xander broke her barbie and yeah, sh*t happened.

"Doesn't dating in elementary school seem a bit pervy? I mean, siriusly. While the rest of the kids were like, "EW, cooties!" (Wimps. In my day we had plagues and stuff like that) while they are holding hands and sharing pretzels or something. They must have been shunned when they were in kindergarten. SHUNNED. Hey, which is probably why they're such losers now!"


	9. JenGiles

**JenGiles**

"Giles is a hypocrite, just like my unfortunate relative Angel. He's like, "Demons are bad and evil, slay them, Buffy!" But he raised a demon with a group of his friends in college. He was even called a cool name for it: Ripper.

"On a totally random note, doesn't my show have a lot of metaphors? I mean, come on. "I'm considered a demon by my family and I'm a lesbian?" "I slept with my boyfriend and now he's acting weird?" And now this. I can only guess that the demon thingy is supposed to represent... DUN DUN DUN... pot. College + evil but totally addictive stuff (which turns out to bite you in the ass in future) = pot. It's that obvious!

"I wonder how Joss Whedon got inspiration for that." *nudge nudge wink wink*

"Anyways, Giles is this dorky librarian watcher, and yet he gets all the fangirls squealing, "OMG RIPPER!" I mean, siriusly. People think he's hot for some reason. Sure, he turns a bit ruggedly handsome in the later seasons, but tweed? Not a good look for anyone.

"And he dates Jenny Calendar! Jenny Calendar. That's such a dull name. What's next, Piper Clock! And she teaches computer-type stuff. God, what a waste. Books do not get viruses. Books do not need to get updated. Books cannot burn!" *background voice* "What? Books have all those things too? MY WHOLE LIFE IS A LIE!"

*Ahem* "Sorry for that mental breakdown. But JenGiles as a couple... they're like, too fluffy and old! They're like one of those couples that everyone loves, but they're never an OTP! Like Dumbledore/Grindelwald in the Harry Potter books!

Woopsies, spoilers!"


End file.
